Life

Throwback Writing: A Random Tuesday at Work

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What’s going on, party people? I’m doing a bunch of laundry today and some last minute cleaning before I have to work in anticipation of my girlfriend’s arrival tomorrow. So today is another throwback piece. Enjoy!

Today is boring. There’s a ridiculously bad rainstorm battering baseball sized raindrops on the streets of New York today and I seem to be the only idiot who actually made it into the office today. Yay, me.

So… work. Yeah, I should probably do some of that. Yup.

Well, it’s still early. Let me check my email before digging into some real work.

Hmmm… Let’s see.

Junk.

Junk.

Junk.

Ooh an email from my old boss. I wonder what this is all about.

hey andre! check out this funny video of this dog goin crazy after hearing a vuvuzela…  funny stuff… anyway hope you stayed in today… i hear roads are getting flooded. lets grab a beer sometime… later!

This guy must really hate capital letters. Well, that wasted all of – ugh – 4 minutes. Whatever. Back to work. Yup.

Man, it’s friggin’ quiet with no one here. I really need to stretch my legs. Maybe that’ll help me refocus. I’ll just walk a quick lap around the office.

That’s better. I needed to get on my feet for a bit. Ah, the vending machine! I should grab a snack. That might help too. Sure it’s 7:30am, but a snack will have to be my makeshift breakfast. Besides, there’s no one in the office to judge me anyway.

Sun Chips? No.

M&M’s? Meh.

Animal Crackers? What am I, a six-year-old starting his first day of kindergarten?

Aw shit! Reece’s Pieces! I knew there was a hidden treasure in here somewhere. Ok, selection B-4…

Damn it. I pressed 5 accidentally. Now I have… a Nutrigrain Bar?

Fuck. That.

That sounds too healthy to be coming out of a machine that serves snacks for under a dollar. I want some Reece’s Pieces. Let’s try this again. B-4. Candy coated peanut butter goodness is only a few seconds…

Son of a bitch.

It’s stuck. We’ll I’ve been going to the gym just for this precise occurrence. Time to rock the hell out of this bad boy.

One. Two. Three. Push!

One. Two. Three. Push!

How can one bag of candy be so stubborn? Ok, maybe brute force isn’t the answer. How about this: The animal crackers are right above my prized candy. What I’ll do is buy the crackers and they’ll subsequently knock down my Reece’s Pieces. It’s fool proof.

Son. Of. A. BITCH.

Ok, Plan C. There’s a five-pack of Oreos above the animal crackers which are now stuck on the precariously perched Reece’s Pieces. If I buy that it should be heavy enough to topple both of the snack items below it. This HAS to work; I’m down to my last single.

Yes! It took nearly four dollars, but I did it. So this is what it feels like to be a genius. Funnily enough, genius feels just like gluttony.

Ok, I should really head back to my desk. But with all these snacks I need something to drink. A parched throat could really ruin my productivity. Er… once I start doing something productive, that is. I’ll head to the pantry for a beverage.

Coffee? Nah.

Water? That’s doable.

Milk. Milk…? Milk! Not only am I a genius at solving vending machine puzzles, but I think I may possibly be an inventor as well! I’m going to make cereal out of this. A Reece’s Pieces, Oreo and animal cracker cereal. Screw this Nutrigrain crap. I sound like a pothead. A genius pothead. Wait, is that redundant? Probably in Amsterdam.

Bowl? Check.

Spoon? Check?

Ok, let’s make this happen. I don’t want it to get soggy too quickly so I’ll pour the milk and eat while at my desk. It’ll be good to get back though as I don’t want to waste too much of this day. With the office this dead one would expect me to get more work done.

Walking around the office all I see are dark offices. Man, even our Director took the day off. I can’t remember the last time I saw his office unoccupied. It’d be nice to be in his position. Awesome pay. Travel expenses paid. A huge office overlooking Park Avenue. An… awesome place to eat a new cereal invention.

Leather chair? Nice. His desk is ridiculously oversized too. I think I’ll kick my feet up, eat my breakfast and watch the rain as it continues to pummel the streets below. Quiet simplicity.

So… peaceful…

‘Hey, buddy.’

‘Wh- what?’ A security guard is looming over me as I slowly recover from an impromptu nap, my feet still propped up on the desk in front of me.

‘I’m assuming this isn’t your office.’

‘Er… no. I came in here earlier to take a break and watch the rain. I guess I dozed off.’

‘Right. I guess we’re the only chumps who actually made it in today.’

‘I guess.’ This guy is being oddly casual with me. ‘So… I suppose I’ll head back to my desk.’

‘The rain is something, eh? Makes me think of my time in Venezuela.’

‘Me too… uh, I guess.’

‘Think with all this rain we’ll eventually see a giant rainbow?’

‘Uh… What?’

‘I’m just fuckin’ with you, buddy. It’s about 2pm so if you have shit to do, do it soon. We’ve actually been given the ok to close the building early today due to all the flooding. You have about an hour or so.’

‘Two o’clock? Nah, I think I’ll head out. Thanks man, I know I shouldn’t have been in here.’

‘No biggie. We all like to pretend sometimes, right? Take it easy, boss man.’

‘Right. Later.’

Well, that was a pointless day. I think I’ll go home and write about it.

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1 Comment

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    […] Previously: Throwback Writing: A Random Tuesday at Work […]

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