Throwback Writing: Try Something New (Expletive)


Happy, Wednesday! I’ve been reading a bunch of my old writing recently and I was shocked to see so many instances of my current beliefs. Back then, writing was a very personal hobby so I wrote about ideas that I didn’t employ in my everyday life. I often forget that I believed in many of these ideas for a long time; it’s only surprising because I only thought about them while writing. I didn’t talk to many people about these ideas.

Also, my writing was more light-hearted. I’m gonna go back to that.

I’m gonna start using the word “gonna” again.

So anyway, this was written in 2010. If you have a problem with expletives, skip this one. But hey, we’re all adults here.

And if you’re not, tell your parents curse words aren’t a big deal. I’ve been cursing since I was ten years old.

Ten-year-old Andre didn’t give a fuck.

Except when my parents were within earshot.

Anyway, enjoy!

Hi, folks! Johnny Pitchman here! Do you feel like your life is stuck on repeat? No reason to get up in the morning? Barely surviving the everyday grind of your nine to fiver? Well I’ve got a new product for you: TrySomethingNewAsshole!

TrySomethingNewAsshole reinvigorates mundane days. It takes care of all those moments when you feel like you’re stuck in a rut. Even better, you can use it at both home and in the workplace!

Let me show you something truly amazing. Here I am on a Saturday night with nothing to do. I could go and try some of our competitors: WatchCrappyRealityShows, GoClubbingForTooMuchMoney, DrinkMyselfSillyAtTheLocalPub. Sure, they get the job done, but why be satisfied by mediocrity? Instead I take a little bit of TrySomethingNewAsshole and – tada! – my rut has magically vanished!

Annual family vacation to your local beach leaving you more bored than relaxed? Boom! TrySomethingNewAsshole! The kids, your spouse, even granny will love the results!

Usual dinner making you say ‘yuck?’ TrySomethingNewAsshole so your food doesn’t suck!

I know what you’re thinking: A product this amazing must cost an inordinate amount of money! No Way. Today you can buy TrySomethingNewAsshole for, well, whatever you feel like paying! TrySomethingNewAsshole can be totally free or expensive; it’s whatever you want it to be!

Life is too short. Why don’t you try some TrySomethingNewAsshole today, asshole?

Peace out, party people.

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