My Girlfriend’s Dog Hates Sex (Part 1)

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I didn’t do such a great job posting over the weekend, but I blame that fact on my girlfriend’s arrival.

Her dog gets some blame too.

Actually, A LOT of blame.

Why? Because this sweet, little dog is determined we stay in a loving, yet sexless relationship.

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What a sweetheart.

Night 1

It was a long day. My girl was stuck in customs for three hours after a nine-hour flight from Sweden. I, on the other hand, didn’t sleep the night before so I was running on fumes. Still, after months of speaking only on Skype, neither of us could hold out physically now that we were face to face.

Now, this deceptively innocent looking Parson Russell Terrier and I didn’t get off to a great start. Mostly because I touched her nose through her travel cage, to which she responded by barking and trying to bite it off like a piece of Vienna sausage.

Yum.

libbys-vienna-sausage-18-pk-5oz

Not really.

We finally get to my place, engage in some chit chat and settle down on the couch. Holy crap, we’re finally here. It was time to get down.

Except it wasn’t because that dog wanted me nowhere near my girlfriend. Sure, it barked, but I’m bigger so I moved her little yappy butt out of the way.

The dog politely responded by licking my balls when I least expected it.

I believe my reaction was something to the effect of “What the fuck, dog?!?!?!”

Now that the moment was effectively killed, we decided to take the party to a more traditional place. My girlfriend goes into the bedroom first while I quickly freshen up in the bathroom. Because, y’know, sexy time.

As I approach the bedroom, I’m greeted by the loudest barking I’ve ever heard from such a tiny dog. This wasn’t a “Who’s there?” kind of bark. This was more of a “I’M CRAZY, MUTHA FUCKA!!!!!” kind of bark.

Mind you, I live on the second floor of a two-family house with the first floor’s couple’s bedroom directly below mine. I couldn’t have a high-pitched Kujo acting up.

We calmed her down eventually, but the dog was still suspicious. Which is odd because she definitely made herself comfortable on a bed that smells like the dude with which she had an issue.

As we lay in bed, things start to escalate between my girlfriend and I. It was at this very moment that the dog decided to lick my arm over and over again. I pushed her away, but she’d come right back. The more I pushed, the more aggressive she became with her licking. When she couldn’t get at my arms, she went for my legs, feet, back, etc. I kid you not when I say this tiny little dog tried to hold my arm down before I could push her away. It was at that point I realized I was being lick-raped by a 15 pound dog.

Dad would be proud.

Though I was CLEARLY being violated, my girlfriend laughed her head off about the situation and was no help at all. So I did what any grown man would do: I hid under the covers until my canine lick-rapist calmed down.

Sigh.

I thought I was in the clear to resume. The dog was laying down and all was silent. The moment I emerged to finally have some fun, I feel the familiar creepiness of a dog’s tongue on my balls.

What.

The.

INSERT ALL EXPLETIVES.

That was the last straw. My sex is more important than your ball licking addiction, dog. We placed her out of the room, closed the door and got back to business.

Then we heard whining.

And then a scratch at the door.

And then barking that could shatter glass.

This couldn’t happen at 2am. Not with people sleeping right below us.

So we turned in for the night, dejected because this crazy little dog actually managed to kill the mood for the night. We laughed about it, figuring the worst was behind us.

Yeah, sure; my life is never that simple.

Continued in PART TWO.

Peace out, party people.

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