My Girlfriend’s Dog Hates Sex (Part 2)

Tea the dog

When last we met our hero, he was trying to get dat bootay (here’s PART ONE for those that missed it).

Day Two

My girlfriend and I woke up around 6am, all cuddled up and whatnot.

Cue the Full House “Aw.”

We joked about the previous night’s antics and figured it had to be an isolated incident. After all, what kind of dog is opposed to sex?

Tea

Oh yeah…

We decided to take another stab at intimacy and things looked good at first. The dog was huddled underneath a comforter; surely she would stay asleep. However, as soon as my girlfriend and I made a noise that simply sounded like sex, the dog popped out like an abstinent jack-in-the-box, barking her adorable little head off in an attempt to stop the debauchery.

Oh wait, you think I’m kidding about this? This dog senses sex. We could be talking or laughing, but as soon as that energy in the room changes, she’s there to break it up. My girlfriend even tested this by simply sitting on top of me. Guess what. The dog began barking.

Someone must be pranking me.

We went about our business on a largely sexless Sunday. It was an awesome day, to be sure, but there was no horizontal mambo for poor Dre.

As the day wore on, my girlfriend’s dog warmed up to me more. I took her out. I gave her a treat. She even lay down for me! But the day was ridiculously hot and eventually I needed a break from Tea (pronounced “tae-ah”… damned Swedes).

My girlfriend and I lay on the sofa, simmering in an 89 degree apartment (Fahrenheit , of course). As I held her, Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing” played in my mind. Because I got that feeling.

We took off to the bedroom, but the dog was close behind. I figured we had become friend over the last 24 hours, so maybe I’d be in the clear. Tea (also pronounced “kahk blahker”) had other plans. She immediately began licking my arm, leg, back, and…

WHAT THE?!?!

Yup, she went for my balls again.

Dre and Tea

This time I took her narrow little butt out of the room, closed the door, and proceeded to mambo the afternoon away.

Today

My girlfriend’s dog seems to have really taken to me. She’ll sit next to me on the couch and even whines when I leave the apartment. On top of that, she even lets me get away with kissing and cuddling up to my girlfriend.

She’s still not cool with sex.

But now we just put her in a different room and it’s all good. She used to bark when she was outside, but it hasn’t been too much of a problem recently. However, whenever we let her back in, I still see a certain look in her eyes as if she knows what just went down.

Parsons Russell Terrier

“You disgust me.”

Peace out, party people.

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