Throwback Writing: Last Place

Just friends

G’day mates. My name is Outback Al and I’ll be your stereotypical Australian tour guide. While I usually hunt for lethal predators such as crocodiles, sharks and wallabies, today we’ll be tracking one of nature’s least threatening creatures: The Nice Guy.

Now before we encounter this wily little fellow I should warn you of a few things. First, the Nice Guy can be easily approached and will often submit when a threat arises. However, each Nice Guy’s threshold for this varies so tread lightly, mates!

Crikey! There’s one now! Notice his unassuming movement. The Nice Guy chooses not to be imposing in hopes of being accepted by his peers, but his success rate depends on the individual he’s interacting with. The Nice Guy also proves himself to be less of a threat by being accommodating to others, smiling often and peppering speech with humor – mostly of a self-deprecating nature.

Blimey! This is interesting. It seems a female is approaching. Notice how the Nice Guy immediately attempts talking to this female, but does not flirt. You may not believe it, but this is his mating dance; the Nice Guy often confuses normal conversation with courting the opposite sex. This is why so many Nice Guys enter what we wildlife experts call the ‘Friend Zone.’

The friend zone often consists of listening to a female’s relationship issues, providing a shoulder to cry on and absolutely no chance of exploring said female’s reproductive regions. It’s quite an interesting relationship, yeah? You see, the female considers this male to be non-threatening, i.e. non-sexual. Therefore she is able to interact with him with her guard down at all times. The Nice Guy, however, is usually unsatisfied with this dynamic, but wouldn’t dare to do anything to change things.

Cliché Australian exclamation! We’re in for a treat today, mates! There’s another male approaching. I can’t quite tell yet, but I think this fellow here might be an Asshole. The Asshole is essentially the antithesis of the Nice Guy. Most males exhibit features of both species, but to see a pureblood Nice Guy as well as a pureblood Asshole in the same day is about as rare as a transgender koala making love to an albino kangaroo. But let’s get back to the topic at hand so I don’t spoil our Valentine’s Day special next week.

I’m moving in for a closer look. The two males are circling each other, though it seems the Asshole has already surmised the fact that he’s dealing with a Nice Guy. Unfortunately for our Friend Zone prone pal, he’s no threat to the Asshole.

The Asshole seems to be interested in the Sheila. He expresses this by subtly putting her down in order to establish his superiority. In turn, the female reciprocates by giving body cues and subliminal hints that are most probably obvious to only her. It’s quite the dynamic, yeah? You can clearly see the Nice Guy feels slighted by the fact that he’s been one-upped by this cocky bugger.

You see, this is a prime example why most purebred Nice Guys can’t survive in the wild. Besides lacking the general ability to tell people to ‘piss off’, your typical Nice Guy is often far too willing to please and will refuse to stand up for himself. In the animal kingdom there’s nothing wrong with being nice, but everything has to come in degrees, not extremes. That’s why the dodo went extinct. The bastards were too nice to say, ‘Oy, quite hunting me, mate! I’ve already got a stupid name as it is, and you’re not helping matters!’

After our break I’ll introduce you to the Nice Guy Whisperer, a family-friendly, slightly effeminate Latino chap who rehabilitates Nice Guys so they can be Balanced Individuals. Stay tuned!

Previously: The Early Show

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