Daily Opinion: Ain’t Nobody Got Time for Vegan Cheese

daiya cheese

I may have to become a vegan. I don’t want to be vegan. I went vegan maybe four or five years ago and I only lasted maybe seven months. Do you know why I stopped?

Cheese is effing delicious.

I went vegetarian sometime last year and I haven’t missed meat at all. Truthfully, when I went vegan back in the day, it was simply for health reasons, but my recent vegetarianism was sparked by something else.

You may not agree with me, but I have a theory about living things. Basically, evolution shows that creatures that develop attributes that are beneficial to survival are the ones that survive. Essentially, life does what it can to keep living. But sometimes I wonder how much resistance comes into play. Is there a scale to how much life “wants” to live? I know that sounds dumb, but why is the level of resistance for a cow so much more than, say, a head of cabbage? If I were to start chopping up either of them, one would scream and struggle while the other would be seemingly indifferent.

So I stopped eating meat. That combined with just how horrible the food industry can be to animals, particularly in the US. I have no problem with anyone else making the decision to eat meat; I just personally don’t want to play a part in all that. I want to leave as positive of an impact on the world as possible.

But then my fiancé had to go mess all that up for me. We were speaking on Skype last night and she says, “I may have to become vegan.” After laughing my ass off at the very notion of vegan cheese (ugh), I realized she was serious. She asked me one simple question: How many years are cows pumped for milk? See, in the pre-internet days, I would have thought it was the majority of their lives.


We milk those suckers for about four years and we throw them into the beef market.

Goddamn it…

Well this messed up the game for me. I don’t want to give up dairy products, but knowing this makes me want to become vegan. But I don’t actually want to be vegan. Catching a theme here?

So can I have my cheese and eat it too? Maybe. I’m going to damn well try anyway. So here it goes: my fiancé and I have been back and forth on whether or not we’re going to travel for a while or find somewhere to settle down. I personally feel like we may end up settling down. If we do, I want to be as self-sufficient as possible. I’d want a garden/greenhouse, solar paneling or some form of green energy, and a 3D printer. Can a brother own a cow in order to avoid becoming vegan?

This is how much I don’t want to be vegan… I’m thinking about owning a cow. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I’d ever write that. But is it so crazy? Those suckers produce 2-3 gallons per day. Maybe I could share a cow with other people who really don’t want to become vegans for the same reasons as me. Anyone want to share a cow for milking purposes? Hit me up.

Argh… this is ridiculous. I mean, I know I don’t have to become vegan, but my logical side is conflicted with my desire for delicious food. How can I get past this? My fiancé is already thinking about this too. If she becomes vegan then it’s likely I’d end up following suit. We can’t let that happen, people!  Andre can’t survive on vegan cheese!

Okay, take a breath. Being vegan isn’t the worst thing in the world, right? Life could always be worse. Still, I’m reaching out to all of you to help me figure this out. Is there anywhere in this world that doesn’t send cows to slaughter after milking them dry? Are there any companies from which I can buy dairy products while guaranteeing the cows won’t become burgers in a few years? If I can only get milk, how the hell do I make cheese?


If I can’t figure these questions out, I’ll be forced to become vegan. Well, not “forced,” but you know what I mean. I’m going to definitely cut back on the amount of dairy I consume, but in the meantime, you better bet your ass I’ll be searching for a solution to this dilemma. Because, you know, CHEESE IS EFFING DELICIOUS.

Previously: Why So Serious?


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.