Please Don’t Be Mad at Me, Canada

Happy Canadian with flags

Okay, okay, I had to write about this before I forget. Canada, please don’t be mad at me but I’m going to make fun of you just a little bit. Just a bit.

Like about [          this          ] much.

I still love you though, Canada.

So I dig watching Shark Tank. If you don’t know what that is, it’s a show where entrepreneurs pitch their businesses to investors. As anti-capitalism as I am, I find it to be an awesome show. It gives me a digestible understanding of how pitches work and sometimes I catch an innovative idea or two.

A friend of mine told me about a show called Dragon’s Den which is pretty similar. I looked it up and saw there were UK and Canadian versions. Well, I’m down with my people up north so I went with Dragon’s Den Canada.


Oh man, was I in for a treat.

The first entrepreneur pitched silicone molds for frozen foods or some such nonsense.

Silicone. Molds.

Surely this had to be a joke. No one would take this seriously on Shark Tank. To my amazement, these people were actually competing for this s**t like it was the new hotness. It was… adorable.


No, seriously. It was cute. One of the “Dragons” asked how she planned on growing the business and she replied, “Burger molds.”



Okay, good for her I guess. Let me focus on something more troubling to me instead: Canada may or may not be stuck in time.

Or maybe time moves slower for them. I don’t know. I haven’t figured it all out yet.

Anyway, the production for the show was like something from the early 2000’s. It all felt very Hell’s Kitchen-ish.

Then there were the people. Again, adorable. But not really. They too seemed to be trapped in the early 2000’s. In America, at least, the early 2000’s was the era of dorks who thought they were cool. You know, the post-Matrix era of leather and sun glasses in night clubs.



One guy had a soul patch. Another guy had a back suit, with a black shirt, and a black tie. Yet another guy had orange-tinted eye glasses. I mean, I can’t be the only one who notices this.

And, of course, these people don’t represent all of Canada. But based on the number of times I laughed followed up by a Full House-style “Aw” every time someone new came out, your country is made up of about 75% dorks.

No, 80%.

I think it’s the same reason why no one really respects Drake. I mean, he’s talented and rich, but even I feel entitled to make fun of him. Although it may not be possible or probable, I feel like I could still out-cool Drake.



Don’t stop being you, Canada. I seriously find this endearing as hell. I’m an American; lord knows I’m in no way above being the butt end of any stupid/ignorant/bully/meathead/xenophobic joke, so don’t take me too seriously.

But still…


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