Creative Writing: Dog Observes Man

bulldog and cat

Hello, my name is Rover Cornelius Doggington III. But you can simply call me Dog. If you are reading this, I am likely dead or chasing a possibly delicious squirrel. I have yet to verify their tastiness, but that shall be rectified soon. Very soon.

I have been studying humans for the past seven years. A family has taken me in as one of their own, feeding me and collecting my poop when I walk. They reward me with snacks for simple tasks such as sitting and placing my paw in their hand. And although I and my stomach wish those treats were squirrels instead, I must admit this life is quite good.

Why hello, Dog.

Cat! What are you doing here, you fiend?

Oh nothing. Nothing at all. I simply find this letter you’re writing amusing. It’s about the humans, I see.

Yes it is. Now be gone, feline. You disturb my thought process.

Is that a squirrel?

Squirrel? Where? Where is it? Where’s the squirrel?!?

Oh, my sides ache with laughter. Thank you for your continued stupidity, Dog. I was getting bored with batting at the tissue box all day. Why are you writing about the humans?

If you must know, they fascinate me.

Do they, now? I see, I see. What about them is so fascinating?

If you must know, Cat, I admire them. I also feel bad for them in some ways.

Of course. Pity from the canine. You are predictable as always.

Look at them. They have so much. They give us so much for next to nothing.

As well they should. I rubbed myself on the fat man’s leg. He is officially mine, you know.

Yes, yes, I know. I’ll hump the child later as a sign of my ownership.

Hmph. Good to know you’re loyal to our treaty, Dog.

Anyway, I see how kind they are to me, a stranger in their pack. And yet they sometimes have no regard for each other. Just the other day I saw a woman begging for money. Not one person stopped while I was there.

Why do you care about any of this?

Because I see their potential. I wouldn’t live here if I didn’t.

I would. The haggard mother serves me meals like clockwork. Never have I had finer service.

That’s part of their potential though. The ability to be so selfless. Sometimes I wonder what holds them back from truly discovering peace. Perhaps they are not yet intelligent enough.

Ha! This coming from you, Dog? Your kind is as stupid as they come! Didn’t I see you eating your own excrement the other day?

‘Twas for research purposes alone, I assure you, Cat.

Sure.

No matter. They may not be there yet, but they will be. Humans have gotten further than many of us. As long as their society never stops evolving. They will find their way.

You bore me, Dog. Stop with this nonsense and entertain me. You must know a good trick or two.

Before I do, I should the child his laser pointer. I’m certain he’d be more than happy to oblige in entertaining you.

Get back here, Dog! Damn you and that elusive laser! I shall poop in your food when next we meet, you scoundrel! Why are lasers so difficult to catch?!?!

Peace out, party people.

My Girlfriend’s Dog Hates Sex (Part 2)

Tea the dog

When last we met our hero, he was trying to get dat bootay (here’s PART ONE for those that missed it).

Day Two

My girlfriend and I woke up around 6am, all cuddled up and whatnot.

Cue the Full House “Aw.”

We joked about the previous night’s antics and figured it had to be an isolated incident. After all, what kind of dog is opposed to sex?

Tea

Oh yeah…

We decided to take another stab at intimacy and things looked good at first. The dog was huddled underneath a comforter; surely she would stay asleep. However, as soon as my girlfriend and I made a noise that simply sounded like sex, the dog popped out like an abstinent jack-in-the-box, barking her adorable little head off in an attempt to stop the debauchery.

Oh wait, you think I’m kidding about this? This dog senses sex. We could be talking or laughing, but as soon as that energy in the room changes, she’s there to break it up. My girlfriend even tested this by simply sitting on top of me. Guess what. The dog began barking.

Someone must be pranking me.

We went about our business on a largely sexless Sunday. It was an awesome day, to be sure, but there was no horizontal mambo for poor Dre.

As the day wore on, my girlfriend’s dog warmed up to me more. I took her out. I gave her a treat. She even lay down for me! But the day was ridiculously hot and eventually I needed a break from Tea (pronounced “tae-ah”… damned Swedes).

My girlfriend and I lay on the sofa, simmering in an 89 degree apartment (Fahrenheit , of course). As I held her, Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing” played in my mind. Because I got that feeling.

We took off to the bedroom, but the dog was close behind. I figured we had become friend over the last 24 hours, so maybe I’d be in the clear. Tea (also pronounced “kahk blahker”) had other plans. She immediately began licking my arm, leg, back, and…

WHAT THE?!?!

Yup, she went for my balls again.

Dre and Tea

This time I took her narrow little butt out of the room, closed the door, and proceeded to mambo the afternoon away.

Today

My girlfriend’s dog seems to have really taken to me. She’ll sit next to me on the couch and even whines when I leave the apartment. On top of that, she even lets me get away with kissing and cuddling up to my girlfriend.

She’s still not cool with sex.

But now we just put her in a different room and it’s all good. She used to bark when she was outside, but it hasn’t been too much of a problem recently. However, whenever we let her back in, I still see a certain look in her eyes as if she knows what just went down.

Parsons Russell Terrier

“You disgust me.”

Peace out, party people.

The Ramblings Podcast: Episode 21 – Dre’s Girlfriend, Cats and Dogs (AGAIN?!), and Independent Creativity

Dre and Tea

Okay, let’s see if we can get this finalized. Because there are other podcasts I want to do, this is now just The Ramblings Podcast. I’ll be solo only on weeks when Leaf can’t record. Otherwise, we’ll be splitting our recordings into two podcasts weekly! This week: Dre’s girlfriend, dogs, cats, blogging, YouTube, Buzzfeed, Facebook, and more. Enjoy!

Download Here | iTunes | RSS Feed

The Sunday Ramblings Podcast: Episode 2 – Cats, Dogs, and a Plan to Change the World

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Alright, so this was meant to be released on Sunday, but I’ve been busy with my girlfriend’s recent move. Because of this, the length of the podcast is a whopping 2 hours! Sure, it’s a lot to digest, but it’s the only episode this week. Leaf and I talk about True Blood, being pet owners, and how we can possibly change the world for the better. Enjoy!

Download Here | iTunes | RSS Feed

My Girlfriend’s Dog Hates Sex (Part 1)

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I didn’t do such a great job posting over the weekend, but I blame that fact on my girlfriend’s arrival.

Her dog gets some blame too.

Actually, A LOT of blame.

Why? Because this sweet, little dog is determined we stay in a loving, yet sexless relationship.

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What a sweetheart.

Night 1

It was a long day. My girl was stuck in customs for three hours after a nine-hour flight from Sweden. I, on the other hand, didn’t sleep the night before so I was running on fumes. Still, after months of speaking only on Skype, neither of us could hold out physically now that we were face to face.

Now, this deceptively innocent looking Parson Russell Terrier and I didn’t get off to a great start. Mostly because I touched her nose through her travel cage, to which she responded by barking and trying to bite it off like a piece of Vienna sausage.

Yum.

libbys-vienna-sausage-18-pk-5oz

Not really.

We finally get to my place, engage in some chit chat and settle down on the couch. Holy crap, we’re finally here. It was time to get down.

Except it wasn’t because that dog wanted me nowhere near my girlfriend. Sure, it barked, but I’m bigger so I moved her little yappy butt out of the way.

The dog politely responded by licking my balls when I least expected it.

I believe my reaction was something to the effect of “What the fuck, dog?!?!?!”

Now that the moment was effectively killed, we decided to take the party to a more traditional place. My girlfriend goes into the bedroom first while I quickly freshen up in the bathroom. Because, y’know, sexy time.

As I approach the bedroom, I’m greeted by the loudest barking I’ve ever heard from such a tiny dog. This wasn’t a “Who’s there?” kind of bark. This was more of a “I’M CRAZY, MUTHA FUCKA!!!!!” kind of bark.

Mind you, I live on the second floor of a two-family house with the first floor’s couple’s bedroom directly below mine. I couldn’t have a high-pitched Kujo acting up.

We calmed her down eventually, but the dog was still suspicious. Which is odd because she definitely made herself comfortable on a bed that smells like the dude with which she had an issue.

As we lay in bed, things start to escalate between my girlfriend and I. It was at this very moment that the dog decided to lick my arm over and over again. I pushed her away, but she’d come right back. The more I pushed, the more aggressive she became with her licking. When she couldn’t get at my arms, she went for my legs, feet, back, etc. I kid you not when I say this tiny little dog tried to hold my arm down before I could push her away. It was at that point I realized I was being lick-raped by a 15 pound dog.

Dad would be proud.

Though I was CLEARLY being violated, my girlfriend laughed her head off about the situation and was no help at all. So I did what any grown man would do: I hid under the covers until my canine lick-rapist calmed down.

Sigh.

I thought I was in the clear to resume. The dog was laying down and all was silent. The moment I emerged to finally have some fun, I feel the familiar creepiness of a dog’s tongue on my balls.

What.

The.

INSERT ALL EXPLETIVES.

That was the last straw. My sex is more important than your ball licking addiction, dog. We placed her out of the room, closed the door and got back to business.

Then we heard whining.

And then a scratch at the door.

And then barking that could shatter glass.

This couldn’t happen at 2am. Not with people sleeping right below us.

So we turned in for the night, dejected because this crazy little dog actually managed to kill the mood for the night. We laughed about it, figuring the worst was behind us.

Yeah, sure; my life is never that simple.

Continued in PART TWO.

Peace out, party people.

Friday Procrastination Links: Writing Everyday and Dog Pool Parties

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Happy Friday, party people!

I originally intended to have a link section at the bottom of every Sunday post, but if you’re like me, Fridays are a chance to wind down the week and squeeze in some good ol’ fashioned procrastination. Relax and enjoy the randomness!

How I Kept a 373-Day Productivity Streak Unbroken (Some inspiration for my writers out there!)

This Is What A ‘Pool Pawty’ At A Dog Daycare Center Looks Like (How to cool a hot dog… har har har)

Panda Fakes Pregnancy To Get More Food (I might do the same in her position)

Persist (A game with awesome music)

Real-Time Face Tracking and Projection Mapping to Create Digital Makeup and Effects (Just press play and enjoy)

Nikki Jean & Patty Crash – Sedate Me (This is a super old favorite of mine [2007?!?!]. There’s a quiet beauty to it)

One Woman’s Take on the Being a Creative (Short but sweet video)

Brian Hiltz Is an Awesome Photographer (Check out his seascapes photos)

23 Beloved Street Art Photos – May 2014 – July 2014! (I still love the hell out of street art)

Giuseppe Colarusso’s Improbable Objects (Ice cube candles and speedometer watches)